Remembrance

  I think most of us have, at times, felt like our life was just zooming along and we do everything we can just to keep up with it. But there are those times and occassions that everything else has to hault for. Rememberance has always been important to me, and today is one of those days. Today is the three year anniversary of my grandmother's unexpected death. In the past few years my family has had to pick up the pieces of our broken heart and carry on together. Still, sometimes, it doesn't feel like she's gone, and I even forget in moments of excitement when my instinct is to call her. I learned several years ago a couple of very important lessons about grief that have helped me so much in this loss.


Here is what I know about grief:
1- It is patient. Grief will wait you out, indefinitely. Sometimes the intensity of sorrow can be terrifying and we try to run from it, distracting ourselves with other things, anything, just to keep breathing and trying to pretend that our lives haven't just changed forever. But grief will sit quietly and wait for you to be still, and then you will find yourself alone with it, no matter how long it takes. So it's better just to face it head on and let it do it's job.


2- Grief is a good thing. It seems backwards because it is so painful, but grief is not our enemy. We grieve because we love. And alot of the time we grieve hard because we love hard. When we loose someone, our love for them doesn't go away, of course. The grief we find ourselves in becomes a part of our love for them. When it's hard to remember, because we have that hole where they used to be, our instinct again is often to distract ourselves. But if we let grief manifest, we have a precious opportunity to feel the intensity of love and relationship that we were blessed enough to be a part of. We don't completely loose someone ever, when there is love between us. So, in grief, we keep them with us. And eventually we find a new "normal" where we start living again and we can remember without all the pain. And in making grief our friend, we bring them close to us again.


3- Grief is as unpredictable as the ocean waves. Just when you think you know what to expect, it surprises you. As we learn to move through it, it can sneak up on you at the most unexpected moments. There have been times when a random thought or smell or memory comes to me, reminding me of the one's I've lost, and suddenly I find myself in the full throws of grief as fresh as the day I lost them. It literally takes my breath from me, leaving me gasping, stunned by the unexpected attack. But, again, we need to not run from it. These waves of grief aren't permanent, and the intensity doesn't last.




   Learning about grief, I confess, is not my favorite lesson in life. It's horrible, and painful, and ugly, and messy. It's life at it's absolute lowest and it can change us forever. But it is life, and it does go on. And so we can embrace it, and set aside times of rememberance. I love my Grandma and I miss her terribly. I missed her when I went to call to tell her I was in love. And then again to tell her I was getting married. She would have loved that. And I missed her comfort when my engagement ended and we canceled our wedding. I could really have used her advice and mostly just her love. But I can feel her joy in my heart because I know her, and I can almost hear her voice. I would give anything to be able to share with her, and I miss her smile. But, in joy and in grief, I carry her with me. And I will carry her with me wherever life leads me.